Halloween is almost upon us, and you know what that means: scrambling to come up with a costume because you’ve put it off for as long as possible. But don’t worry, I’m here with some foolproof ideas for costumes that are truly scary.
The tension inherent in a society that demands floods of content but is also unwilling to pay for it
Paying more than $8 for a meal
Working to become someone who pays more than $8 for a meal, even though you pride yourself on not particularly caring about money
Finding out what a 401k is
Those clowns in Congress
Those clowns who are trying to kill people
The clowns who are both in Congress and also trying to kill people
Someone reacting to the clown attacks far too seriously and hunting clowns for sport
The guy in a bar who asks you, “Are you a feminist?” in an accusing tone
The guy in a bar who’s a third of the way through Infinite Jest and wants you to know it
The guy in a bar who drugs you
Pretty much most guys in bars
Imposter syndrome
Someone who thinks it’s funny to dress up as Harambe for Halloween
A climate change denier
Decaf coffee
That guy who sings “Don’t Stop Believin’” at karaoke far too early, before anyone is ready to sing along
The cat who whispers the exact circumstances of your death in your ear before slinking away into the night
Change
A $7.50 minimum wage
An elevator full of people who won’t stop singing
So you should be all set to have a spooky and fun holiday. Happy haunting!