Disclaimer: this is all in jest. Sort of.
Yes, you read that headline right. This is an open letter to all men.
I don’t mean to sound like a “brunch lib” here, to quote one of your own, Co-News Editor Jake Dabkowski, but every man on earth, save for maybe a few, is getting under my skin.
And I wish I had better justification for this. But I don’t really. I haven’t been completely wronged by any man super recently, but for some reason, at the origin of every inconvenience I’ve experienced recently, there has resided a man.
And so you’re all getting reamed.
For instance, I can’t go on Twitter anymore without hearing about the “Snyder Cut.” I don’t know anything about the Snyder Cut, aside from the fact that it’s going to be a movie made by some guy named Zack. And every man is upset about it. And they won’t stop talking about it. Zack, whoever you are, is the ringleader in a whole circus of feral Internet men, and I’m sick of it.
Also, I haven’t talked to my sister in a while. And I miss her. The only thing I can think of that is possibly keeping her busy is her boyfriend. Josh, if you’re reading this, do not take it personally. But you’re taking up too much of my sister’s time. Give her back.
And I’m going to be really candid here if you don’t mind. But during quarantine, things got lonely. So I ventured to Tinder to try and make some friends, many of whom were men. I’ve since blocked most of them, because they turned out to be annoying. But the few who I haven’t completely cut off in favor of a courteous ghosting have been popping out of the woodwork at unexpected times to annoy me further. My previous ghosts, they haunt me.
Men, to you I pose a serious question. Why are you like this? Do you enjoy making me suffer? I can’t think of a logical reason for you to be the way that you are otherwise, so I’m thinking that must be the answer.
I will now provide you with a list of acceptable men. Read carefully, in the hopes that you may one day emulate their very passable behavior:
Previously mentioned Co-News Editor, Jake Dabkowski. Jake. I know you will read this. You are on this list because you write good articles, and that generally makes my life easier.
Sports Editors Mason Strawn and Luke Mongelli. You two are on this list for very similar reasons as Jake.
My younger brother, Tyler. Tyler is 15. He spends most of his time playing baseball and playing video games. He minds his business, and for that, he makes the list.
My friend, who once made good bread. Your existence is allowed. You also make good coffee, and sometimes cookies. From this, I directly benefit. Next.
Bernie Sanders, because I, too, would like universal healthcare to be adopted as a policy in this country.
Cole D’Alicandro, you once dressed up like Waluigi. I enjoyed it.
Matthew Gray Gubler.
Men, please consider that list, and I mean deeply consider it. I believe that if you do, you will all one day achieve the status of having your existence be justified.
Until then, I will continue to be disappointed.