So you’re in Pittsburgh, and it’s January, so you’re probably cold. Maybe you’re from somewhere exotic, like Brazil or North Carolina, and you’re not used to these kinds of temperatures. You probably have some questions.

“How will I ever get through this winter?” you think. (It will be painful, but you’ll do it.)

“What in the world is this damp white substance which falls from the sky?” (It’s called snow.)

“How could a just god have created a world with so much suffering, and why have I experienced so little of it compared to some?” (God is dead. Or maybe He lives in moments of kindness that stare unspeakable horrors in the face. You decide. Take a philosophy class or something; I don’t know.)

You’re pretty confused about what to do in all this cold. Helpful as ever, I hereby bestow some of my winter weather wisdom upon you.

Perhaps the most important step: Layer. Three socks per foot. Two cardigans per sweatshirt. Leggings under every pair of jeans, and sweatpants over the jeans.

This is all common sense. The harder step is to layer internally. I’m not talking about the layer of fat that most likely encases your heart because of all the Easy Mac you’ve eaten, although that is certainly keeping your ventricles warm and greasy.

Emotional layering, on the other hand, is what will keep you sane this winter. Keep your real feelings buried deep inside, like an onion that has serious intimacy issues. An air of ironic detachment should cut through every interaction you have.

People might be uncomfortable that you approach everything from your preferred breakfast food to your own mortality with the same blasé tone. This is normal. Don’t worry about it.

When you feel an emotion, be it joy or despair or disappointment, curl it into a little ball. Laugh at it. Scoff at it for existing at all. Then slide it deep within your metaphorical self, safely encasing your soul in a cocoon of never-spoken-of feelings.

If you get hypothermia, this technique will keep you alive for an additional six hours.

Another winter tip: Play in the snow! Use it to express yourself. It is like cold, wet play-doh, and the worst thing about play-doh is obviously that it is too warm and dry.

Make snowmen. Or help dismantle the patriarchy by making snowwomen.

Actually, a better way to dismantle the patriarchy might be to make a series of surrealist snow sculptures which depict snowwomen as uncomfortably sexualized snow models, taking a beloved childhood tradition and turning it into a dark reflection of society’s most discomfiting instincts.

So remember: This winter, crush your feelings and make uncomfortable art.