Punxsutawney Phil has reared his monstrous head again, only to scuttle back into the dark from whence he came.

He signaled six more weeks of winter with an apathy, a disaffectedness that indicated it’s no skin off his nose. No, he can just retreat into his hole and abandon all those who follow him. We wail in the cold as he went down, down, down – right back to hell to dance with his demon brethren. Probably. The mythology is a little iffy.

Either way, we have to brave six more weeks of cold, and that’s six more weeks of potential illness. It’s important to keep healthy during this time. Otherwise, school, internships, work and general existence can become even more of a pit of despair than usual.

“But how? How can I keep healthy in the fetid sea of infection that is a college campus?” you may be asking.

Don’t worry, Point Park. 

I have you covered.

The most important thing to remember is that modern medicine is all a scam. I’ve heard the words “Big Pharma” thrown around a lot, and although I don’t fully understand what they mean, they sound very much like a conspiracy. And this conspiracy, I assume, goes all the way to the top.

So all of commercial medicine is out. Cold medicine is just water made to taste terrible and thickened with the spit of pharmaceutical company CEOs. Flu shots contain microscopic tracking systems from the government. Cough drops are candy and nothing more.

So where can we turn to for healing and strength in this time of illness and feebleness?

The same place we turn to in all times of trouble and difficulty.

Witchcraft, obviously.

Natural with just a touch of the supernatural – that’s the kind of remedy that really works. Learn the cycles of the moon. Collect various reptiles and rodents. You never know what kind of organs you’ll need to collect from them.

Have a forest nearby? Root around in it for herbs and plants. Dig through the snow to find plants with magickal healing qualities. Hops, mandrake root, raspberry leaf – don’t just limit yourself to traditional healing herbs, either. Branch out all the way to purification and energy. You can’t be too careful this winter.

Carry them around in pouches around your neck, burn it as incense. Heck, make tea if you’re feeling ambitious. 

But then – if you’re feeling really ambitious – don’t discount the value of a good old-fashioned blood sacrifice. Take a calf, take a ram, take someone you’re not particularly fond of, and sacrifice them in the name of Beelzebub. 

Remember, that’s only if you’re feeling very ambitious. But maybe you should be feeling ambitious. College is a cesspool of disease, and you have to protect yourself, even if your eternal soul is smudged by your digression into casual Satanism.

After all, if you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.