You hear a lot these days about political correctness, especially on college campuses, and for good reason. Sometimes it feels like every time I voice my opinion, a whole crowd of naïve, babied college kids are trying to jump down my throat and say that I’m wrong.

Well, I’m not going to be silenced. Nothing is gained by giving in to a stifling, militantly politically correct culture. That’s why I’m standing up for free speech. That’s why I refuse to stop saying that Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was actually three children in a trench coat. 

When I state my beliefs, as is my right as an American, people jump down my throat. They say things like, “That is factually, historically incorrect information. The term ‘politically incorrect’ means something else entirely.’”

But they can’t shut me down. I’ll get the truth out there. I know it can make people uncomfortable; I know that I’m controversial. But I also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Calvin Coolidge is not, in fact, a singular man, but is rather three children cleverly disguised as a president. 

Consider Coolidge’s nickname: Silent Cal. 

Coolidge was notoriously sparse with his words. This could be, as the prevailing wisdom would have you believe, because he was a reserved man who spoke carefully. 

Or, it could be because it helped to keep his secret. A president made of three boys in a trench coat would obviously want to speak as little as possible to hide that the voice of the boy whose face is visible hasn’t changed yet. 

Speaking rarely under the guise of being quirkily unforthcoming would be the perfect way to convince the public that Coolidge was an actual person who was qualified to be president.

But when I make these points, people try to call the PC Police on me. I can practically hear the sirens wailing, the officers waiting to cuff me and take me to the PC Police Station, located in Whineville, USA. 

In this hypersensitive time in America, people say things to me like, “I think you fundamentally misunderstand what ‘politically incorrect’ means. It does not, in fact, refer to situations in which people do not think your facts about politics are correct. The idea of Calvin Coolidge being three boys in a trench coat is fun, sure, but it is inaccurate. You are not being persecuted. Please stop talking about this.”

They can’t stop me, though. I’ll continue to court controversy by exercising my First Amendment rights.   

Consider that Coolidge only became president because Warren G. Harding died in office. Coolidge never wanted to be thrust into the spotlight. A great way to become largely forgotten by history is to become vice president. This was what the three children in the trench coat wanted, but their plans were thwarted by Harding’s untimely death.

We can only imagine these children’s motivation, but market deregulation and a general enjoyment of chaos seem to be factors.

So come at me, college campus PC police. I’ll never stop talking about the truth about Calvin Coolidge, or that James A. Garfield was actually a broom wearing a very convincing beard.