Today, I will be discussing the upcoming Democratic primary election. However, I will not be discussing candidates’ policies or even who you should or shouldn’t vote for.

Instead, I will be ranking some of the candidates on their date-ability. That’s right. Date-ability. Buckle up, friends.

Joe Biden

In the area of romance, Joe is very experienced. He is someone who has really played the field, and knows exactly how to woo his significant other. He is also especially fond of restaurant dates and loves to eat. However, a relationship with Joe would not be long-term, as his know-it-all tendencies would annoy any lover to the point of a nasty breakup.

Cory Booker

Cory is the type of boyfriend who CHUGS “respect women” juice. And this is an endearing feature. He is incredibly positive and upbeat, which is often refreshing as his significant other. However, he is a vegan, and while his moral compass is commendable, he unfortunately subscribes to the vegan stereotype and reminds you that he is a vegan pretty much every ten minutes. It’s super annoying, and no one could live with it. His date-ability suffers a lot from this fact.

Pete Buttigieg

I’ll be honest, Pete Buttigieg is pretty date-able. He’d serve as some serious arm candy to anyone that would be lucky enough to court this candidate. His main trait is that he is incredibly ambitious and has a whole plan laid out for a life filled with success for the two of you. He’s the perfect partner to take home to mom.

Kamala Harris

Kamala Harris would be your super cute, but also super intimidating, girlfriend. She is extremely skilled at arguing, so if you get in a fight, you might as well not even try to win. With Kamala as your partner, it may be difficult trying to find friends to go out on double dates with, because she dominates friendly arguments and has a few problematic moments in her past that people love to bring up. However, if you’re strong-willed enough to see past her flaws, you could make it work.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is the guy who has waited patiently for you while you dated around. He’s liked you for a while now, but took his turn in shooting his shot. But now it’s up to you to decide whether you want to Feel the Bern or not. Bernie also has an “alternative” style and tries not to engage in “mainstream” media or activities. So if you want to spend your time shopping for vinyl records or browsing your nearest Goodwill, then Bernie’s your man.

Amy Klobuchar

Dating Amy would be like dating your mom. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Amy is the quintessential midwestern woman who holds some good old-fashioned traditional values. She’s the type of partner who’s always talking about the future and settling down to start a family. If you’re down for that, then wife her up. If you’re afraid of commitment, get out now.

Beto O’Rourke

Beto is like that kid at school who was never the most popular, but went against stereotypes and was somewhat popular, despite also being a bit of a geek. So he’s your boyfriend, but he’s also cooler than you, although he’s not as cool as he thinks. He also grew up in a strict household where he wasn’t allowed to swear, but now that he’s older he takes every opportunity to do so. But you might find that to be cute or whatever.

Elizabeth Warren

If Amy Klobuchar is like your mom, then Elizabeth is like your grandma. But she’s like the grandma that every kid wishes they had. Dating Elizabeth would never be confusing, because she always has a plan for everything. You would always know exactly when your next date would be, and you would know exactly how she feels at all times, no guesswork required. She’s also incredibly nurturing. If you need some real structure and support in your life, then go get you some Elizabeth.

Andrew Yang

Andrew, as a boyfriend, isn’t date-able. He’s known by all of his past partners for his empty promises and his concern with social status. Also, don’t expect any one-on-one romantic evenings with him. He doesn’t go anywhere without his entourage of worshippers. They enjoy his meme skills and think he’s a cool guy, but they are really there for the money.