Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece meant for Halloween. It is not meant to be taken seriously and is not factual. Please do not try to hunt for extraterrestrials on campus, as you will likely not find any. 

Students that have attended Point Park for a while may have noticed a presence of extraterrestrials, specifically in the dorms, that increases significantly every Halloween. Nobody knows what they are or where they come from. All that is known is that they’re here on campus this Halloween.

These extraterrestrials are notorious for infiltrating students’ dorms at night and stealing all of their candy. What they want with the candy or why they only target Point Park students is unknown. 

What can students do to keep these extraterrestrials out of their dorms? 

First of all, extraterrestrials hate pigeons – more specifically, the rock dove species of pigeon, which is the most common pigeon species in Pittsburgh. This is the main reason for the extraterrestrials lurking around the dorms – to avoid the presence of pigeons. 

For this reason, as a primary option, students should grab three or four pigeons off the street and put them in their dorm, which will hopefully keep the extraterrestrials out. You can attract pigeons with french fries from any nearby restaurant or in the case of some weird pigeons, alcohol. 

The pigeons will then turn into projectile launchers, should they detect any aliens. They will shoot the fries that students fed them earlier at the aliens.

The second option that is available to students requires meticulous planning.

This option requires the student to put a television outside of their dorm and plug it into any outlet they can find. Students should then buy a subscription for Hulu and turn on Season 1, Episode 1 of the documentary “Ancient Aliens.” The extraterrestrials will be heavily immersed in the show, which will then lure them into a trap, making them easy to catch. 

Option three should only be used as a last resort. Students won’t be bothered if they formally invite the extraterrestrial into their dorm, which would be the last available option. 

For this to work, the students would need to have the limited edition Coca-Cola Starlight drink, which is discontinued, in their dorm as extraterrestrials are the only ones who enjoy that drink. Offer the drink to the extraterrestrials. After this, the student should ask for the name of the extraterrestrial, whom they can then run a background check on.

Common extraterrestrial names include “Meep-Morp, Ping-Bling, Cleep-Mork” and “Jack Black.”

After the background checks have been run, the student and the extraterrestrial must play a 25-round game of disc-golf, where the loser will earn squatting rights to the dorm and the winner will have ownership of the dorm transferred to them. Any negative thing found in the background checks must be reported to the local “Unidentified Figures Organization,” which will take care of the extraterrestrial almost free of charge. The cost changes every time.

Students who employ these tactics will be safe from any extraterrestrials who aim to annoy or bother them. As Halloween approaches, stay safe and watch out for these pesky extraterrestrials.