We are all rocketing toward a painful death: Vote Libertarian


Written By Matt Petras, Co-News Editor

The presidential debates this election cycle have come and gone, and all I can think about is how much I wanted Gary Johnson to be on that stage.

The American people are forced to choose between an evil sex man and an evil email woman, and frankly, I find that deplorable. Johnson, former governor of New Mexico and confirmed fan of Mary Jane, is clearly the best choice for president, but most people don’t know that because of the system.

I know it because I have spent a lot of time contemplating the concept of individual freedom and read articles about the Laffer curve once online.

The main reason I support Gary Johnson for president is because he is a Libertarian. For those of you unfamiliar, let me explain what libertarianism is.

According to the World Enterprise for Eternal Determinism (WEED), libertarianism is defined as “the intellectual realization that getting to do whatever you want, such as not paying taxes, dumping whatever you want in the river, deciding you don’t want your social security and not paying a single dime in taxes, makes for an ideal society.”

Currently, the government forces us to do so much, and Johnson wants to make sure we are liberated enough to say no to Big Brother. Just imagine: if you own a business in Johnson’s world, you could pay your employees whatever you want, all while smoking some sweet dope.

This is a much better situation for workers because they will be given many more choices. Because the government is judgmental and evil, it thinks it knows what people want better than people do.

Maybe some people want to work for $2 an hour, and if someone wants to pay them $2 an hour, what is the problem? If America’s best feature, capitalism, has taught us anything, it’s that more choices are always better, whether it is a $2 an hour job or a third party candidate like Johnson.

Some of you may be wondering, “But how is Johnson possibly going to win if he is doing so poorly in the polls against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?”

It’s a frustrating question for people who understand politics, but fear not. I know how to squash the fear that a vote for the free society of Johnson would be a waste.

First of all, Johnson only needs enough votes to deny Clinton and Trump a majority; if that happens, Congress will get to pick the president.

Because a few states have already embraced libertarianism by allowing their citizens to smoke all of the hash they please, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

At that point, all of the Republicans and Democrats in Congress will obviously decide to support the Libertarian party, so we just need to convince those few states.

Now, this crystal clear logic probably isn’t enough to win over an average person, and it will be an uphill battle, so let me make a simpler point: None of this actually matters.

Whenever Johnson himself was asked about climate change, he explained that worrying about it was dumb because the sun is going to burn us all to death eventually anyway.

When you think about it, there’s really no point. It’s easy for me to rest easy at night voting for Johnson, even knowing that he is the candidate of the Libertarian party, a complete mess.

Did you know that a candidate for chairman of the Libertarian party stripped to his underwear during his concession speech this year? As an ardent believer in libertarianism, I definitely remember that. It makes me sad.

But whenever I remember that, I just think about what Johnson said about the sun eventually destroying us all.

I take my blunt, light it up and I just stop worrying.