A satirical take on university’s USG

Reps once again oppose transparency

Written By Mick Stinelli, Columnist

After a contentious election for the United Student Government’s (USG) new president, many Point Park students were stunned by the lengths candidates went to discredit each other. On Monday, senators and the executive cabinet returned for another legislative session. When the day’s business was concluded, and the floor was open for comments, Senator Jake Berlin, a USG presidential candidate, spoke up.

“I’d like to propose a resolution to guarantee more transparency from this legislative body,” Berlin said.

Vice President Brittany Arp, who opposed Berlin in the election, audibly sighed. “What would you like to propose, Senator Berlin?” she asked.

Berlin stooped under his desk and scrounged through his backpack. He produced a gallon jug filled with a white, soupy mixture. “I propose we douse ourselves in this solution in order to become fully translucent,” he said. “I want this legislative body to be completely see-through. Nothing to hide.”

“I don’t think that would be appropriate…or safe,” President Kaylee Kearns said, staring at the jug.

“You’ll see,” Berlin said, rubbing his hands together and cackling. “When I’m in charge of this place, we’ll have skin like glass. I’m talking organs, people – all out there to be seen.”

“I think what the students want most of all is for us to just get along and get something done,” Dennis McDermott, a freshman senator, said.

“Have you seen my campaign video?” Berlin asked. “Has everyone here seen my campaign video?”

He was met with nods from the legislative body, but stood anyways, climbing on top of the table. “I’ll reenact it here, watch.” he said.

“Senator Berlin, I think we have all seen your campaign video,” Kearns cut in. “The campaign is over now and we are all waiting on the results.”

Berlin whirled around, digging through his backpack again, this time producing the tiniest megaphone you have ever seen. “I hope the wonderful, trustworthy student media – the beautiful media, very beautiful and wonderful – is watching this!” he shouted into the tiny megaphone, climbing back onto the table. “My name is Jake Berlin, and I am announcing my re-election campaign for USG President!”

“My god,” Arp muttered under her breath.

As the senators sat in stunned silence, Dean of Student Life Michael Gieseke stood up to try and put the meeting back on track. “I think this could be a great learning experience for everyone, and I hope we can, maybe, turn this into an educational opportunity,” he said.

“This isn’t a government,” Berlin replied. “It’s a circus, and I’m the ringleader!” He then pulled a red clown nose out of his pocket and put it on.

“Wouldn’t the nose make you the clown?” Arp asked.

“I’m the ringleader and the clown,” Berlin said. “I’m also the lion.”

It took several more minutes for Berlin to sit down. Once order was restored, the resolution to turn the members of USG translucent failed, with only Berlin voting in favor.

“Guess you’re all too afraid to be translucent with your fellow students,” Berlin said before dousing himself in his homemade concoction. He was quickly rushed to the hospital to be treated for chemical burns.

I was personally shocked by Berlin’s behavior. After the meeting, I tried to ask his friends if the campaign had gotten to his head, but they interrupted me, constantly asking, “Have you seen his campaign video?” over and over again.