Judging Java: Dunkin’

Written By Jake Dabkowski, Coffee Columnist

1 Globe out of 5

If America runs on Dunkin, then it’s no wonder that America is so terrible. Dunkin served me an absolutely miserable excuse for a coffee. In fact, when I asked for a coffee, they seemed genuinely confused that I wasn’t ordering some TikTok branded milkshake. Dunkin has attempted to rebrand themselves recently, changing their name from Dunkin Donuts to just Dunkin, but they should have spent more time on the coffee and less time on frivolous name changes that still end with everyone calling them “Dunkin Donuts.”
Because the best way I could describe Dunkin: they waste their resources. Their house blend was completely unnecessary. I genuinely believe that there is no need to sell this coffee. I think I might actually be the first person under forty to order a black coffee from Dunkin Donuts, and the only person over forty to ever order a black coffee from Dunkin Donuts is a hungover Mark Wahlberg who’s rushing to get to set for another Transformers movie.

In terms of flavor profile, there was none. It is almost scientifically impossible, but my taste buds legitimately were unable to taste almost anything when drinking this. When I did get an occasional hint of flavor, it tasted like a burnt tire soaked in nutmeg, and those brief bursts of flavor were rarer than a steak at a Chili’s.

The coffee was served way too hot. Served at 205 degrees Fahrenheit, this coffee seemed like it was legitimately trying to hurt me. When coffee is served that hot, you have to let it cool, and by the time it does cool a bit, you have a brief window to drink it before it gets cold. And the only thing worse than a hot cup of Dunkin coffee: a cold cup of Dunkin coffee.

In a previous column I wrote about Starbucks, I docked it for tasting commercialized. This is even more commercialized. Starbucks tasted like a Marvel movie, doesn’t do much beyond its generic role, but it’s largely inoffensive and even has some stellar qualities. The Dunkin coffee was more like the DC Movies, completely hit or miss, at best a fun time and at worst legitimately terrible. It wasn’t the fun hip commercialization that corporate America tries to sell to us with brand synergy like Hulk and Ant-Man being in a Coca Cola commercial during the Super Bowl, it’s the depraved, depressing commercialization like when Coca Cola helps fund far right militant death squads in Columbia.

A good way to describe this coffee: it’s painfully dull, mildly offensive, and made me feel like I was a child whose parents got them the wrong Call of Duty game for Christmas.

But drinking this terrible coffee, while preparing for election coverage, got me thinking: America is like a Dunkin coffee. It’s not as good as people say it is, it’s largest popularity boost was when an internet celebrity got involved with it, and no matter how many times they try to rebrand and re-invent themselves, they’ll still be the same old Dunkin.