1.5 Globes out of 5

Bruegger’s Bagels is not a coffee shop. They are a bagel shop that serves coffee. Their bagels are great. Their coffee is not.

Now, before I get into the bulk of this review, I must share a brief anecdote. The official Bruegger’s Bagels account follows me on Twitter. On Oct. 21, 2019, I tweeted out: “A guy in a tie cut me in line at Bruegger’s and I’m starting to think the Joker was right.” The official Bruegger’s Bagels line replied with the slanted crying laughing emoji, then: “Sorry you got cut in line like that. Hope your breakfast was delicious though?” followed by the shrugging emoji. You may notice that in my initial tweet, I spelled Bruegger’s line.

If you’re wondering: yes, I was cut in line by a guy in a tie at Bruegger’s Bagels. No, I did not start thinking the Joker was right after that incident. I already thought that the Joker was right after I saw the movie.

With all that being said, I will not allow the fact that the Bruegger’s Bagels official account follows me on Twitter influence my review of their coffee, which is terrible.

Bruegger’s house blend is unremarkably bland and undeniably unnecessary. It’s not awful, but it’s certainly not worth spending money on. It’s served too hot, and by the time it’s drinkable, it’s too cool, so you’re basically just drinking it to get it over with at that point. 

It’s the type of coffee that someone gets in a take-out box for an early morning college football tailgate that you go to with your family. When you pour the coffee, it’s lukewarm, and there’s no cream or sugar, and at the time, you’re still in high school, so you like your coffee with cream and sugar. Also, it’s only nine in the morning, and the game doesn’t start until two in the afternoon. 

In terms of flavor, there’s barely any. It’s nowhere near as bad as the McDonald’s coffee, which was so bad that I was forced to coin the term “McFlavorless” to describe how tasteless it is. Bruegger’s coffee is not McFlavorless, but it’s closer to McFlavorless than flavorful.

Now, in a previous review, I went on a tangent about bagel sandwiches. After that column, I vowed to never go on a tangent about bagel sandwiches again. Like most things in life, that was a lie.

Bruegger’s Bagels has some of the best bagel sandwiches in the world. Out of all the chain bagel shops, their sandwiches are the best. Their classic Bacon Egg and Cheese has a little bit too much bacon, but it’s still a great sandwich. Their Western is even better, but I don’t really like onions on my bagel sandwiches, so I got it without the onions. Their bagels with cream cheese are also very good, and they use high-quality cream cheeses.

All in all, I would not recommend Bruegger’s coffee, but I would definitely recommend Bruegger’s bagels.