The following article is satirical. We do not actually believe that any of the people listed in this article stole the plates. Especially because most of them are fictional characters. We apologize to Culinart in advance.

With 953 plates confirmed missing from the dining hall, the question on everybody’s mind is obvious: who took them. We now present an in depth analysis of the possible suspects.

A ninja

The most likely suspect, as far as we are concerned, is a ninja. 953 plates is a lot of plates, and to be able to steal that many plates you would have to be very sneaky and probably trained in martial arts, that way you can take out any security guards trying to stop you. What the ninja wants with the plates is unknown to us, but he could have been hired by a mysterious benefactor who has plans for the plates that are kept secret from the ninja.

The Hamburglar

The Hamburglar is not an innocent McDonald’s character. He is a burglar. In the past, he constantly stole grub from the red and yellow brand quite frequently. Nonetheless, the plate he used to put the burgers on may have broken. If this happened then, The Hamburglar would need a new plate. He is a dangerous individual. He should not be taken lightly. He has been called the Hamburglar for a long-time so he is obviously very innovative, but also very dangerous.

Venom

We remembered being absolutely terrified on December 28, 2021. A WWE live event was in the city of Pittsburgh and we both saw the fictional Marvel Comics character Venom with our own eyes backstage. When we were back there, all we could hear being played was “Venom” by Eminem. It was terrifying. It is unlikely that that Venom is still in the Pittsburgh area but what if part of the Venom symbiote fell off of him and onto someone who likes stealing plates. Just something to think about.

Leia Skywalker

She and the Rebel Alliance stole the Death Star plans. What makes you think that she wouldn’t steal the plates.

Nathan Fielder

Another possibility, although less likely than a ninja, is that Nathan Fielder stole the plates as part of a convoluted scheme for season two of HBO’s The Rehearsal. Why he would need 953 plates is beside the point, it is something that he would do.

Culinart Director Kristy Weiss

The initial announcement that the plates had been stolen came from Culinart director Kristy Weiss. It’s the perfect crime – steal the plates, then report them stolen to the masses. Why would anyone suspect her then? However, she probably did not steal them, for two reasons. Number one: what would she do with them? Number two: these plates being stolen are going to cause a large professional problem for her. Therefore, the only logical explanation is that she is actually a master thief operating under an assumed identity.

Someone who really, really likes the dining hall plates

Realistically, if you were to take 953 plates without an ulterior motive you would have to really, really like said plates. As in like them so much that it is an unhealthy obsession. If you just decided to take a plate or two, that would be understandable. Double digits is when it starts to become unhealthy and triple digits is when it becomes an obsession. Over 900 is when a line has to be drawn and you should go to therapy.

Someone who hates people who use the dining hall and wants them to suffer

This person has no need for the plates whatsoever, but genuinely enjoys people’s suffering. They are a true nihilist, and the thought of people having to eat out of to go containers brings them great joy. They are a monster, and yet, somehow, they are happier than any of us ever will be.

The Flash

The Flash can run very, very fast, so it would explain how he was able to steal so many plates. Unfortunately, we cannot account for what The Flash would want to do with 953 plates. We will update this story if we think of anything.

University President Donald Green

If you saw the president of the university carrying 953 plates out of the dining hall would you stop him? No, you definitely wouldn’t, because his role as the president gives him diplomatic immunity. Probably. We don’t really know how that works.

Boulder Paper Plates CEO Steve Savage

What is one way to get people to buy your products? Take out the opposition! Steve Savage stole the plates so that Point Park would buy his paper plates. Cased closed? Maybe.

Doctor Oz

To some, he is just a TV doctor, but now, he is looking for so much more running for senate. His plan: steal the plates, then blame it on John Fetterman. It’s the only way to turn Point Park University against a man who wants to legalize marijuana.

Chris Pratt

He probably did not do it, but his name has been in the news a lot because of people have been talking about Mario and it would be funny if he did it.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is a master detective, and we theorize that he stole some plates. We believe that being a master detective for so long makes him want to know what it’s like to become a thief. He may have cracked under pressure and decided to steal 953 plates.

Hercule Poirot

Same explanation as Sherlock Holmes.

LiAngelo Ball

After notoriously stealing sunglasses while in China at a basketball tournament, it is clear that he wanted to steal again, but this time he wanted to cop some plates from Point Park.

The cast of Grand Theft Auto V

Grand Theft Auto V features multiple extensive heist sequences, including a bank robbery, a jewelry store robbery, and another bank robbery. The heist crew from the game, if they were real, would be the ideal candidates to pull off the plate heist. Now you may be thinking: wait a minute, they’re fictional characters. To that we would say: have you not been reading this list? Most of them are. It is a joke list.

Swiper from Dora the Explorer

He swiped them. What more is there to say.

Baby Yoda

He did not steal them on purpose. He is young and did not realize that it was wrong. Also he could use the force to do it without them noticing.

Any combination of people on this list

All things considered, it is unlikely that just one person stole all 953 plates. That’s a lot of plates. It is more likely that multiple people stole them, and therefore it could be any combination of these people.