Halloween is almost upon us, and you know what that means: scrambling to come up with a costume because you’ve put it off for as long as possible. But don’t worry, I’m here with some foolproof ideas for costumes that are truly scary.

• The tension inherent in a society that demands floods of content but is also unwilling to pay for it
• Paying more than $8 for a meal
• Working to become someone who pays more than $8 for a meal, even though you pride yourself on not particularly caring about money
• Finding out what a 401k is
• Those clowns in Congress
• Those clowns who are trying to kill people
• The clowns who are both in Congress and also trying to kill people
• Someone reacting to the clown attacks far too seriously and hunting clowns for sport
• The guy in a bar who asks you, “Are you a feminist?” in an accusing tone
• The guy in a bar who’s a third of the way through Infinite Jest and wants you to know it
• The guy in a bar who drugs you
• Pretty much most guys in bars
• Imposter syndrome
• Someone who thinks it’s funny to dress up as Harambe for Halloween
• A climate change denier
• Decaf coffee
• That guy who sings “Don’t Stop Believin’” at karaoke far too early, before anyone is ready to sing along
• The cat who whispers the exact circumstances of your death in your ear before slinking away into the night
• Change
• A $7.50 minimum wage
• An elevator full of people who won’t stop singing

So you should be all set to have a spooky and fun holiday. Happy haunting!