1/2 Globes out of 5

Most college-aged kids seem to be under the impression that all cups of coffee are the same, but in reality, not all coffee is created equal. In this column, I review the various coffee shops near Point Park University, all as part of my search to find the perfect cup of coffee.

I have reviewed some genuinely awful coffee for this column, but today is a first. For the first time ever, I walked into a fast-food restaurant, looked the cashier in the eye, and said, “I would like a coffee, please.” It was not as bad as the time that I looked a cashier in the eye in the same McDonald’s and said, “I’ll have the Travis Scott burger, please.”

The coffee is not good. This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, for multiple reasons. The first reason is that, because of formatting, the score that I give each cup of coffee appears at the top of the column. The second reason is because it is a cup of coffee from McDonald’s.

In terms of flavor, there is none. I’d like to coin a term here: “McFlavorless.” McFlavorless is what you say to refer to something so flavorless that it almost gets the inversion of a taste. It’s so bland and uninspired that you taste the wrong flavor. Whatever it is, it doesn’t taste like coffee. The term “McFlavorless” will 100% go down as my main contribution to society, and my tombstone will read “Jake Dabkowski, Mr. McFlavorless.”

The temperature is also very weird. McDonald’s says that they serve their coffee between 180 and 190 degrees Fahrenheit, but when I drink it, it tastes cold. It’s difficult to explain, maybe the insanely high temperature has burnt off all my taste buds, but it’s lukewarm.

Another thing about this cup: it is an absolute slog to get through. And not a slog to get through in a fun way. For example, The Irishman is a phenomenal movie, but the three-and-a-half-hour runtime makes it a bit of a slog at times. It never suffers from the long runtime, but it is a commitment. This cup, which is only 12 fluid ounces, is more like listening to the song “Driver’s License” by Olivia Rodrigo. The song is only four minutes long, but it is painfully boring, and by the time it’s over you think to yourself, “Okay, I will never do that again.”

Overall, this coffee is one of the worst I’ve ever had, but they still manage to sell 500 million cups a day. The company even hires taste testers to drink hundreds of cups every day to ensure quality flavor. These people should be fired because they are clearly awful at their jobs.

McDonald’s coffee is proof that late-stage consumer capitalism has failed us. The belief that capitalism leads to innovation is nothing more than a fairy tale written by billionaires and politicians to dupe the masses into serving their own evil interests. Should we continue down this path of non-stop consumption, we will ultimately destroy our society, our planet, and ourselves. And if we’re going to destroy everything, at the very least, we should make sure that the coffee is good.