A classic late night misadventure with a good friend brought me into contact with the worst coffee I have ever tasted in my entire life.

We had just gotten out of an opening night screening of Black Panther Wakanda Forever when one of my lifelong friends suggested grabbing snacks from a nearby gas station convenience store. We entered and said hello to the cashier, and began browsing. The cashier told us to take our time, and that we could leave anything that we wanted up at the register. It was obvious from the get go (and I’m not talking about the gas station, this was a Sunoco) that he was very high, but to be fair he definitely wasn’t the only one, and so began a lengthy shopping spree. Items were placed on the counter and taken off repeatedly, but finally we completed our order.

We bought a large frozen pizza, a roll of double stuffed oreos, a standard bottle size Sprite cranberry, a two liter Coca-Cola, a lot of chips, Dunkaroos, a lighter, and the worst purchase ever made: a can of International Delight’s Iced Oreo Coffee.

The cashier had a lot of jokes for us about the time it took for us to make our purchases, and we all laughed. He even made a joke about the iced coffee. I debated telling him my life story, the full background lore on Judging Java, this newspaper, and myself in general. I decided not to. This guy definitely had a long night ahead of him, and the last thing he needed was being starstruck by the greatest coffee columnist of all time coming into his Sunoco.

And so, our merry party departed the Sunoco, embarking on the long walk back to my girlfriend’s apartment where I was catsitting. With visions of Winnie (my girlfriend’s cat, who, for the record, is the greatest cat of all time. I know that earlier in this column I referred to myself as “the greatest coffee columnist of all time” which, while it has an air of truth to it, is hyperbolic. The statement that Winnie is the greatest cat of all time is not.) and Super Smash Bros Brawl dancing in our heads, we braved the cold November night.

Sometime along the walk I was asked why I purchased a can of International Delight’s Iced Oreo Coffee. At this point, I explained that I am the greatest coffee columnist of all time and that I would be reviewing it for this week’s edition. The person said, “it is probably terrible.” But the fog of the late night clouded my judgement – at the time delicious oreos dunked in a creamy iced coffee sounded like the greatest thing ever.

The next morning I was met with a reality check. I can confidently say that International Delight’s Iced Oreo Coffee is the worst thing I have ever had for this. It’s worse than 7-11, worse than McDonald’s, even worse than when I was a freshman and did not know that you could not put hot liquid in plastic cups and drank Keurig coffee out of a Red Solo Cup (multiple times).

If International Delight’s Iced Oreo Coffee is a delight then getting kicked in the crotch repeatedly while someone stabs you with a pencil coated in poison that makes you hallucinate the entirety of the movie Superman IV The Quest For Peace as you die slowly is a delight. That is to say, it is not a delight.

It was awful. It tastes like if someone mixed watered down coffee with off brand oreos. The artificial flavoring gave me a headache and I longed for it to be over as I was drinking it. Drinking this coffee made me feel like a bad person.

Whatever you do, under any circumstances, do not purchase a can of International Delight’s Iced Oreo Coffee. You will regret it. And if, for some reason, you purchase one and enjoy it, then may god have mercy on your soul.