Judging Java Holiday Spectacular: Bring joy to your joe

Written By Jake Dabkowski, Coffee Columnist

Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s a holly-jolly Judging Java spectacular. Typically, I write the last column of each semester as a reflection on the semester as a whole and giving this one a special holiday tie-in is the most logical decision that anyone has ever made in their entire life.

There’s nothing quite like coffee at Christmastime. Whether it’s a nice warm peppermint mocha while getting some holiday shopping done, or that cup made with extra love and care on Christmas Day, coffee at Christmastime is like everything good at Christmastime: even better.

But what haven’t I said about coffee in the history of this column? A lot. But I’ll save that for another day. Because today, I’d like to focus on Christmas.

Christmas is awesome. It is the best. I’m not necessarily talking about the traditional religious Christmas, but more so the capitalistic monolith that is the pagan holiday of Christmas.

I know a lot of people who hate Christmas. They are dumb. Many of them tell me “Christmas is simply an exploitative capitalistic trend to bleed the average consumer dry of their hard-earned money, nothing more than a facade of jolliness over a bleak, never-ending shopping mall.” To that, I respond: “shut up.”

You are not smart for figuring out that capitalism is bad. Your cynicism serves only as a means of spreading depression amongst the left, sharing a message that a better world is not possible. Your glass completely empty approach to economics will leave you broken and alone.

What I’m saying is: Christmas is going to happen whether you like it or not. Just because you happen to notice the reality of living in the 21st century does not mean you have to allow yourself to be destroyed by it. Christmas is going to happen every year on December 25th until the world ends in 2033 when President Elon Musk accidentally elbows the “do not touch” button while railing a line of Adderall in the oval office.

So rather than get depressed by Christmas, get pumped. Acknowledge the fact that it is not going to be like when you are a kid, and acknowledge the fact that in life nothing will be. There is no past, no future, only the present. Take some time to hang out with your loved ones, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn the true meaning of Christmas.

I have a few Holiday recommendations if any of you are interested. All of these should be enjoyed with a warm cup of coffee.

In terms of holiday music, all of the classics are still fair game, especially All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carrey (the so-called queen of Christmas) and any music featuring Karen Carpenter (the actual queen of Christmas). If you are looking for something newer, I recommend checking out Like A Gift From God or Whatever by Chris Farren, an incredibly unique modern Christmas album from 2014. I also would recommend checking out the Youtube video “An early lofi Christmas” by the channel “study bored chill.” If you’re into lo-fi music, you will enjoy this mixtape.

If you’re looking for the perfect video game set at Christmastime, check out Spider-Man: Miles Morales, which is available on Playstation 4, Playstation 5, and PC. The game environment is very Christmas-y, and beyond that, the game is very fun.

In terms of Holiday specials, there are so many great ones to choose from. I personally think that “The Moon is a Hologram Finds the True Meaning of Christmas” is one of the greatest works of art ever created. Aside from that, Charlie Brown is a must-hit every year, except most years I am unable to watch it because it is streaming exclusively on Apple TV+, which is completely contradictory to the special’s message of Christmas is about love and comfort, and not capitalistic bullcrap.

Every year on Christmas Day I watch “A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas.” As far as movies go, it is certainly one of them. But I think to an extent “A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas” says a lot about what Christmas actually is. When you’re a kid, Christmas is this super magical time when everything is right in the world, and you feel warm, safe, and loved. As an adult, Christmas is still a magical time, but some of that magic has been lost. On top of that, it is very apparent that everything is in fact not all right in the world.

But every year I watch “A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas,” and watching those two find the true meaning of Christmas (its friendship) fills my heart with joy.

Lastly: there is a Santa Claus. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.