Judging Java: IKEA

Written By Jake Dabkowski, Coffee Columnist

IKEA may stand for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnayrd, but in my eyes, it stands for IKEA Keeps Everything Amazing. Every piece of furniture that I have bought and assembled from IKEA has been an amazing purchase, and it has stayed amazing over time.

Over the weekend, I went with my girlfriend to purchase a couch from IKEA in Robinson. I am not a construction person, I am not smart when it comes to building things that are not Lego, but I love IKEA furniture. They make great stuff.

The first piece of furniture that I ever put together from IKEA was a chair. After I put it together, I felt like Borat in the movie Borat when Borat enters a hotel room for the first time and sits in a chair and says, and I quote, “wa wa wee wa, king in the castle, king in the castle, I have a chair, I have a chair, go do this, go do this, king in the castle.” That is to say that I was a fan of the fact that I had a chair.

So, a couch is a whole other ball game. If an IKEA chair is a pickleball game at a retirement home, an IKEA couch is the World Series of Bowling. (An IKEA bed is a regulation game of Major League Baseball; an IKEA lamp is just two dudes playing frisbee). The couch is wonderful, although very heavy, but I’m not here to actually talk about furniture. I’m here to talk about IKEA’s coffee.

No, I’m not talking about a coffee table, I’m talking about PATAR, IKEA’s official coffee. You can purchase a cup of PATAR from inside the IKEA food court, or you can opt for PATAR beans to go in the form of either regular coffee beans or espresso beans.

I went with the espresso beans and took them home with me. I also made sure to grab some IKEA cookies, just because the concept of IKEA cookies is pretty funny and, admittedly, most IKEA food products are simultaneously a higher level of quality than many American food products while costing relatively less, and this mentality proved true for their coffee.

On Sunday morning I made a nice latte with the PATAR beans and sat and sipped it on the couch. The roast is relatively bitter, but luckily not very acidic. I made the latte with whole milk, which I personally believe is the best milk to make a latte with because it foams the best. Skim milk won’t foam very well at all, and oat milk foams mediocrely. I still firmly believe that oat milk is the GOAT milk (shorthand for greatest of all time, not to be confused with goat milk as in milk that comes from goats), when it comes to coffee, but when foaming it keep it whole.

PATAR coffee is the quality that I expected from IKEA. There’s nothing crazy to write home about, but it is a quality roast. Like I said, IKEA keeps everything amazing.