Before diving into the questions for this week, I want to make it clear that my link to ask questions is intended solely for that purpose. Now, if someone does not believe that my advice holds any merit, then feel free to pass over my column. Disrespecting someone and attempting to bring them down with anonymous words will get you nowhere. I do have to say that when you submit questions now, you will have to provide an email address. Unfortunately, this removes anonymity for my safety, but I want it made clear to those who do submit questions for actual advice. I promise that your email will not be shared, and I will protect the privacy of your questions.
How do I let go of my fixation on control? How do I handle a controlling relationship? When is something considered crossing the line? In arguments, is one person right and the other person wrong? How do you tell if a relationship is too toxic to continue?
Great questions. A lot of people go through toxic relationships, and it can be hard to leave that situation when you aren’t thinking about it with a clear mind. The first thing I suggest is to take a step back and look at the situation from both points of view. Both parties have their own perspective, and ignoring one will not help lead to a healthy outcome. Because no one is ever fully wrong or right, we need to be able to take things into account without being biased.
Talking about control in relationships can be a controversial topic; some people believe that one person has a right to certain control. Control over another person (in any sense) is an idea that should be left far in the past. We all deserve equal rights over our own lives. Relationships are more based on effort; the best relationships are formed not just on equal effort but on balanced effort. “Equal” implies that both people are giving the same amount at all times, whereas “balanced” means that if one person is unable to give their full amount, the other can pull the weight, and vice versa.
One way of thinking about it is the saying “relationships are 50/50.” This is a nice thought, but some days not everyone is able to pull their full weight. So how exactly are you supposed to manage those days?
Well, when one person is unable to pull their 50%, then you look to see where you can help them. This keeps the relationship at 100%. If neither of you can put in the full 50 or cover the other person’s missing percentage, then you should sit down and figure out a way to handle that day without harming the relationship. If one person takes advantage of your effort and does not help to keep the relationship healthy, then you know the relationship is not worth the strain on your being.
Lastly, crossing a line is very obvious. When starting a relationship, it’s best to create boundaries. If those boundaries are ignored, then that would be crossing a line. Sometimes people do not fully disclose things, and you can do something that makes them uncomfortable. However, without things being directly stated, it is impossible for you to know. If you do something that they are uncomfortable with and they tell you afterwards, it is important to remember that you did not cross a line; you just lacked the knowledge of the line. The best way to avoid all concerns of crossing lines is to just always ask for consent.
Do you need some advice? Are people in your life too indecisive?
Do you need a new point of view?
Just email me at [email protected]
