Judging Java: Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice Latte

Written By Jake Dabkowski, Coffee Columnist

Fall brings many things. The leaves change colors, people start wearing sweaters, seasonal depression starts, and the Pumpkin Spice Latte returns. I already revisited Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte this year, but over the weekend I sample another PSL: Dunkin Donuts’ Iced Pumpkin Spice Signature Latte.

I have been a long-standing critic of Dunkin Donuts, specifically their coffee. I think that, for the most part, their coffee is terrible. It is an atrocity, a blight against humanity. Yet, somehow, they did the impossible. They made a good coffee drink.

That’s right, you heard it here first folks, Dunkin Donuts Iced PSL is delicious. The presentation is incredibly high quality visually, no doubt meticulously designed by a marketing department to look good for Tiktok, but incredibly high quality nonetheless. It also tastes very good, I would even go so far as to say at the very least it rivals Starbucks’ PSL.

Because of this, I have no choice but to issue an apology to Dunkin Donuts.

To the staff at every Dunkin Donuts, I am sorry. I am sorry for disrespecting your company, and your brand. To the CEO of Dunkin Donuts David Hoffman, I am sorry for disrespecting the conglomerate that you oversee (he is the CEO of “Dunkin Brands” not just Dunkin Donuts). To anyone who has ever passionately defended Dunkin Donuts to someone who hates Dunkin Donuts because they get their opinions on coffee from me, I apologize sincerely.

This apology will no doubt cause major changes within the coffee industry. Dunkin Donuts stock price will surely skyrocket as soon as this column is published. David Hoffman will, obviously, give every single employee a raise and extended benefits. The New York Time will have to stop their presses to change the next day’s headline to “Dabkowski Apologizes to Dunkin.”

But that’s not all. Starbucks as a corporation will cease to exist. David Hoffman will be elected president in 2024. He will initially be a decent president, passing mildly popular infrastructure legislation. Over time, however, his policies will turn fascistic, leading to him assembling an army of drones to take over the country before the 2028 election can be held.

His overthrow of democracy will be met with mixed reactions. Some will rightfully protest the decision, but they will be met with drones. Others will recognize Hoffman as the legitimate leader of the country and blame “the media” for trying to make him look bad and say that his opponent was a socialist or something. As Hoffman crushes the opposition, more and more will begin to either worship or fear him.

The year is 2065. David Hoffman has served as Emperor for almost four decades. Neo-Pittsburgh glimmers, a technological bastion on three rivers. It became the capitol of the United Republic in 2037, after Hoffman destroyed Washington D.C. to crush a rebellious movement. The movement was almost successful, but Hoffman’s cybernetic implants make him a much more difficult, and much deadlier target.

Neo-Pittsburgh, while shining, is filled with rot – and it smells like burnt coffee. Hoffman has turned the prime industry of the world into coffee production, and now he controls all of it. Beneath that rot, an aging Coffee Columnist sips at one of the last cups of La Prima espresso beans known to man. The columnist smiles. Someone enters the room.

“Mr. Dabkowski, we need your help,” he says. “Mr. Dabkowski was my father, please call me Jake,” I respond. “We know that you’re in possession of a time machine – you can fix this all if you go back in time and retract your apology to Dunkin Donuts.”

It is true that I am in possession of a time machine. However, it can only be powered by song. So future me rips an epic saxophone solo to turn it on (I’m talking like, the best saxophone solo ever played) and then time travels back to when I wrote this column, and adds an important disclaimer to the bottom of this column.

While I apologize to Dunkin Donuts, do not ever elect David Hoffman president. It will lead to very bad things happening.